... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.