Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

Never take candy from strangers.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.