Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?