An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.