Rita Rudner Quotes

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.