I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".