It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?