It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.