Never take candy from strangers.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.