Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.