You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.