I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.