I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.