Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.