Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.