I have often wondered how they manage to get return envelopes which miss, by one-quarter of an inch, fitting the blank you are supposed to return. They say, "Please fill out and return the enclosed envelope," and the enclosed envelope is always one-quarter of an inch too small.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.

One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out.

Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.