New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say "These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do.

What is to be done with people who can't read a Sunday paper without messing it all up?... Show me a Sunday paper which has been left in a condition fit only for kite flying, and I will show you an antisocial and dangerous character who has left it that way.

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out.