People who begin sentences with "I may be old-fashioned but--" are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong. I never thought the time would come when I should catch myself leading off with that crack. But I feel it coming on right now.

Birds which are the same color as the foliage in which they nest are less likely to be disturbed by other birds who want to drop in and chat, and therefore last longer.

I once heard of a murderer who propped his two victims up against a chess board in sporting attitudes and was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime was discovered.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.

England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example.

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.