Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp

On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.

My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.