Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.

Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.

Change is not popular; we are creatures of habit as human beings. 'I want it to be the way it was.' But if you continue the way it was there will be no 'is.'

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons - because they installed them

I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.

Here's the best birth control in the whole world, if you really, if you have no pills, if you have no diaphragm, if you have no other form of contraception. Use it for ladies, if he comes at you with that little thing in his hand, just laugh at it. They can't deal with it, OK, it'll be gone.