To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.

I met Jonah Lomu. I never knew how huge he was. I felt like a peasant in a Godzilla movie. 'Quickly! Tell the other villagers! We go now!'

I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something

If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?"

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'