And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Ronald Reagan is the world's largest Muppet.

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.

We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.