The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

When I'm riding my bicycle I feel like a Buddhist who is happy just to enjoy his mundane existence

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

Ballet: men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

There's a world out there. Open a window, and it's there.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.