Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

You look at the world and see how scary it can be sometimes and still try to deal with the fear. Comedy can deal with the fear and still not paralyze you or tell you that it's going away. You say, OK, you got certain choices here, you can laugh at them and then once you've laughed at them and you have expunged the demon, now you can deal with them. That's what I do when I do my act.

Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time...

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

Explore an idea until you've exhausted it, really go to all the different parameters of it.

I was a serious method actor until I visited this site.

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.