You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Make your life spectacular, I know I did.

The things we fear the most have already happened to us.

My battles with addiction definitely shaped how I am now. They really made me deeply appreciate human contact. And the value of friends and family, how precious that is.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.