For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!

What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?