It's been a tough year. . . Someone said I should send out Buddhist thank-you cards since Buddhists believe that anything that challenges you makes you pull yourself together.

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material

My childhood was really nice. My parents never forced me to do anything; it was always, "If you want to do that, fine." When I told my father I was going to be an actor, he said, "Fine, but study welding just in case."

I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Be prepared for luck.

Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.