Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

Kid, if You Need Booze or Drugs to Enjoy Your Life to the Fullest, You're Doing It Wrong.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.