Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

It doesn't matter who you are, if you've got the legs, you can hang with them.

If you want to die, don't make a mistake and not quite kill yourself because the medical bills in America are hideous.