Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.

There's a world out there. Open a window, and it's there.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."