If women ran the world there would be no wars. However every 28 days there would be some very intense negotiations.

My battles with addiction definitely shaped how I am now. They really made me deeply appreciate human contact. And the value of friends and family, how precious that is.

Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.

But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever.

Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time...

Honey, you [Michael Jackson] gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of the Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.