If women ran the world there would be no wars. However every 28 days there would be some very intense negotiations.

Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person.

I did an event in Washington, and it was like we lifted a sea.Immediately after [9/11], there was a stunned shock - kind of this feeling of "What do we do now?" I started performing, and there was a catharsis in the laughing. People started to be able to laugh again. Laughter can be many things - sometimes a medicine, sometimes a weapon, depending on.

What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

Women have so many levels. There's the physical level, which is a lot of fun. There's this emotional level, which is extremely mercurial.

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.