I had to stop drinking alcohol, because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass.

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother

My childhood was lonely. Both my parents were away a lot, working, and the maid basically raised me. And I think that's where a lot of my comedy comes from. Not only was the maid very funny and witty, but when my mother came home I'd use humour to try and get her attention. If I made mommy laugh, then maybe everything would be all right. I think that's where it [my comedy] all started.

I never performed on drugs. That'd be stupid. It's the same thing with athletes. They can't perform when they have cocaine problems.

Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.

I can be trained, I can actually show you how intelligent I am, I can use a word like delicatessen and know what it means.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?