In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.

Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.

Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something

On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.

Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal.

When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?