Incoming is not the thing you want to hear at Christmas.

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, Do you mind if we take a break?

The first time I ate organic whole-grain bread I swear it tasted like roofing material.

There are times when life's just real quiet and simple. I sometimes get tired of people saying, "Well, what are you really like?"

Comedy is acting out optimism.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!