A woman wouldn't make a bomb that kills you. A woman would make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. That's why there should be a woman President. There'd never be any wars, just every twenty-eight days there'd be very intense negotiations.

Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

If heaven exists, to know that there's laughs, that would be a great thing.

It's the same sex all the time.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.