A woman wouldn't make a bomb that kills you. A woman would make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. That's why there should be a woman President. There'd never be any wars, just every twenty-eight days there'd be very intense negotiations.

My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.

The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?

Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, "Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause."

I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.