We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.

If women ran the world there would be no wars. However every 28 days there would be some very intense negotiations.

I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you're licensed to do that. It's an understood relationship. You walk on stage - it's your job.

I'm fascinated by the new iPhone. I bought it and kept trying to use it in France. "Siri, what is a good restaurant?" (In a robotic voice.) "I'm sorry, Robin. I can't give locations in France." "Why, Siri?" "I don't know." It's like she was upset with the French or something. "They seem to have an attitude I can't understand. Should I look for Germans, Robin?"

Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'