You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude

I'm an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It's like same religion, half the guilt.

One day [when I relapsed] I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniel's. And then that voice - I call it the 'lower power' - goes, 'Hey. Just a taste. Just one.' I drank it, and there was that brief moment of 'Oh, I'm okay!' But it escalated so quickly. Within a week I was buying so many bottles I sounded like a wind chime walking down the street.

I stopped drinking when I had children because I wanted to be awake and aware. I did not want to be going, you know, daddy loves you and then drop my head on the table. I do not want to miss anything that they do or say. It is important to me.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.

Humor is a great defense, and an offense too. Usually the recipient isn't too happy about it, but the people around are laughing.