I can be trained, I can actually show you how intelligent I am, I can use a word like delicatessen and know what it means.

I thought I was fooling people. But it's the old thing of 'they say vodka doesn't smell'. No, not until you sweat. And you just lie and lie and you think 'I can deal with this'. And then you finally go, 'No you can't'. And then you give up.

My comedy is like emotional hang-gliding.

Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.

If heaven exists, to know that there's laughs, that would be a great thing.

Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something

When I find out a hotel doesn't have a DSL, it's like "What? There's no toilet?" Once you get used to high speed you ain't going back