I always wanted to play a big, black man, but that would cost too much make-up.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em!

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

The only weapon we have is comedy.

The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that's what made her my wife. Oh she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but they're not. Ah, that's the good stuff!