I always wanted to play a big, black man, but that would cost too much make-up.

My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.

But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever.

It's the same sex all the time.

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.