All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.

The only weapon we have is comedy.

They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons - because they installed them

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!

You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian