All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.

Even mistakes can be wonderful.

Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

I never performed on drugs. That'd be stupid. It's the same thing with athletes. They can't perform when they have cocaine problems.

Comedy pays the bills if I can't find a film.