When I'm riding my bicycle I feel like a Buddhist who is happy just to enjoy his mundane existence

Being alone onstage is like legalized insanity.

Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.

Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person.

Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!

Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.

Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.