The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.

I feel like I'm a big human snot.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

Even evangelicals realize that Pinocchio's father was a carpenter too. That's the old joke.

Friends come in all sizes, take it from me! Golly gee, size doesn't matter, when you want some friendly patter from a pal who is true.

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.