Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.

A place where we all go can't be bad.

If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss Right Now

It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.