People say that I'm a tree hugger, but I do a lot more than hug trees. I like having my drinking water without faecal matter, that's really nice. Or acceptable levels of strychnine. I'm an air breather, I've gotten used to that over the years.

Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.

I always wanted to play a big, black man, but that would cost too much make-up.

Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.