I love running cross-country...You come up a hill and see two deer going, 'What the hell is he doing?' On a track I feel like a hamster.

My God, look at the size of this man! Quick! Tell the other villagers we're going back to the boats!

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you're licensed to do that. It's an understood relationship. You walk on stage - it's your job.

I have no desire to go anywhere near drugs. People say, "Aren't you tempted?" No, because of the ridiculousness of it.

The truth is, if anything, I'm probably addicted to laughter.

When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!