I love running cross-country...You come up a hill and see two deer going, 'What the hell is he doing?' On a track I feel like a hamster.

I want everyone out there in TV land to touch the TV. Touch the back of the TV and get a shock for Jesus.

When you have a great audience, you can just keep going and finding new things.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

I learned that by being entertaining you make a connection with another person.

Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!

I never performed on drugs. That'd be stupid. It's the same thing with athletes. They can't perform when they have cocaine problems.