I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Improv. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.

The only weapon we have is comedy.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

Honey, you [Michael Jackson] gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of the Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.

My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.