I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

If I ever asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked a woman and been totally vulnerable.

Along with the Oscars, the Academy is giving out a green card.

I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, "My boy's got learnin'!"

I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.