I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

One day [when I relapsed] I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniel's. And then that voice - I call it the 'lower power' - goes, 'Hey. Just a taste. Just one.' I drank it, and there was that brief moment of 'Oh, I'm okay!' But it escalated so quickly. Within a week I was buying so many bottles I sounded like a wind chime walking down the street.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.

Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.

Humor is a great defense, and an offense too. Usually the recipient isn't too happy about it, but the people around are laughing.

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.