I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.

For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

It's frightening and exhilarating. It's like combat. Look at the metaphors: You kill when it works; you die when it doesn't.

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!