I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?

I love running cross-country...You come up a hill and see two deer going, 'What the hell is he doing?' On a track I feel like a hamster.

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

Along with the Oscars, the Academy is giving out a green card.

Here's the best birth control in the whole world, if you really, if you have no pills, if you have no diaphragm, if you have no other form of contraception. Use it for ladies, if he comes at you with that little thing in his hand, just laugh at it. They can't deal with it, OK, it'll be gone.

When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.