Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.

Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time...

You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!

Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.