That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

It's that idea that you can have one drink - and no you can't. Within a week I was drinking heavily. It was so quick that even I was like, 'Wow.'

I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.

There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.

It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.