I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!