I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.