I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.