I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.