I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.