I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.