I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.