I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.