I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.