If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.