If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.