If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I don't get no respect

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I can't get no respect.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.