For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.