For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.