For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.