For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.